The Grief Scarf

One night during the early weeks following my husband's death, I listened to a radio interview with Michelle Obama promoting her most recent book. Part of the conversation delved into how she had used knitting as a way to fend off depression and anxiety during Covid. Up to that point in the discussion, I had only been half-listening, not really paying attention, but at the word "knitting" I perked up, curious to learn how something as basic as yarn could turn your mood around. I was also intrigued that a First Lady could share such common feelings as anxiety and depression.

Until I discovered--and became more interested in--beading and art, I loved to knit. Over the years I made both my husband and myself countless pullovers, cardigans, vests, and of course, scarves. My main times to pick up yarn and needles were Sunday mornings when we watched motor racing on TV: Formula One, Indy cars, Moto GP, super bikes. Honestly, my husband would have watched lawn mower racing if it had been televised and the mowers went fast enough. Sitting beside him cheering on his favorite drivers I grew to love the sport too, but found I needed something like knitting to feel a little more productive during those endless lap-after-lap battles. After a while, though, we eventually had enough knitted clothing to last several lifetimes and I began to simply enjoy the races without the need for extra activity.

But after the interview with Mrs. Obama, I thought, well, maybe knitting would be fun. I had the needles, and a trip to the craft store was easy enough. The next morning I got in the car and drove to the nearest strip mall, quickly finding a soft, lilac/lavender chenille I thought would be perfect for a winter scarf.

When I got home is where things became more challenging. Of the dozens of needles I had packed away, the only size I didn't have was the one the yarn called for, Number 9. Too bad, I thought, 8.5 will have to do.

I didn't have a pattern. No problem, just cast on some stitches, right? I knew that if I knitted a standard stocking stitch it would result in a curled scarf that could double as a pool noodle, and garter stitch seemed too easy. Moss stitch would be the one for me. Which would also require that I concentrate, be aware of what I was doing at all times, and be willing to unpick any wrong stitches; none of which I was very good at right then and there.

Never mind, I told myself after the first several mismatched rows. Just carry on no matter what happens, exactly how I was living my life at that point. I was becoming familiar with making mistakes and taking countless missteps. Much of the time all I could do was laugh through my tears as I imagined my husband's mock-horror at my inexpert attempts to get by.

But "get by," I did. Last week I finished the final row of the scarf, and people, it is the worst thing I have ever made in my entire life. And you know what? I don't care. Every dropped stitch, gaping hole, wrong pattern twist is a witness to how I'm surviving, and I'm proud of myself. I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I've knitted a scarf that when it's scrunched around my neck not a soul will know what's "wrong with it."

 

There are so many lessons woven into this strange little piece of handiwork, first and foremost being that even in the depths of despair, when I was certain I couldn't walk across the room or turn on a light to see what I was doing, taking some kind of action, any action, took me to the next step. After that, I took another, and another. I kept going.

I learned that creativity doesn't have to be grand. I might not have the energy or focus to work on my new novel, paint a series of watercolor forests, or submit my last manuscript to sixty different agents, but I can still do something. Knitting is soothing, meditative, a rhythm of knit one, purl one I find calming regardless of the order I follow. Working with my hands helps me to watch movies and news programs more easily. (For some reason I previously couldn't sit through more than ten minutes of any program without feeling restless and scared. I'm glad to say that's well behind me now.) 

More than anything else, the Grief Scarf, as I call it, taught me that mistakes are unavoidable. They happen. I have the choice to fix my stitches if I think they are important enough (I don't), or I can start over and use my new-found strength and knowledge to try a fresh outcome. Which is precisely the path I've chosen, starting all over again with a new project I've named the Happy Scarf:

This time I've got the right size needles and I'm going with easy and fail-proof garter stitch. I chose a bright yellow inspired by the Japanese practice of kintsugi or kintsukuroi: mending broken items, mainly pottery, with gold. In Japan, when an object such as a valued tea cup breaks, molten gold is poured between the cracks, making that object more beautiful because it has a history, including flaws and accidents. It represents, as I read in one online article, "a life well-lived." A worthy goal if I've ever heard one.

Thank you as always for visiting. Keep stitching!

Stay Motivated with Art Prompts

© creativecommonsstockphotos

Happy February! It's nearly Valentine's Day--time to re-commit to those works-in-progress, art journals, sketchbooks, and unfinished "fill in the blank" projects. Last February I wrote a post about Falling in Love with Your Personal Project, but what about when the honeymoon's over? How do you keep the flame alive? 

For day-to-day inspiration I'm a great believer in prompts, especially magazine cut-out photos whether they're used for freewriting or as references for painting and drawing. But there's one big problem with magazine pics when it comes to art: the same images I use for writing are often too bizarre and/or detailed for sketching. I also sometimes resist drawing them because as fun as it is to write about a girl sitting on a throne wearing a giant moose head for a hat, I don't know how inspired I am to turn that idea into a finished painting. On top of that, there's always the big question of copyright law; reproducing photo images, no matter how loose the interpretation, can be tricky..  

This year I want to expand my art prompts and "inspiration files" into something more personal and less as just things to copy. Some of the ways I thought I could do this would be to: 

• Yes, continue clipping magazines--but with a difference: when I've got my images, I'll keep cutting and then collage them into strong images of my own design. Photographs that I would consider too dull for writing about are perfect for this, e.g., a pear from one picture, placed beside a teapot from another, with a cat from a random ad sitting close by. One advantage of this plan is I can really create the tonal values I want, combining serious darks with some brilliant lights, and all from a variety of sources.
• Purchase more used books for altering. Moving downtown has put me within walking distance to several great second-hand bookstores, including the Friends of the Library. At these shops I can buy a relatively inexpensive collection of out-of-print, oversize books to turn into altered sketchbooks. I can either draw directly onto the pages, or I can gesso, paint, and collage the book into something brand new. One advantage to this idea is I can try working more directly from my imagination rather than relying on pre-made images.
• Choose a theme and work on it for a month or longer in a variety of mediums, e.g., zoo animals. I can try drawing them in charcoal, acrylic, pastel, graphite, colored pencil, metallic marker, pen and ink . . . mud! Besides getting to explore more styles and techniques, I'll have a focused purpose and reason to draw every day. No more, "what do I draw now?"
• Illustrate a novel, or better still, one of my WIPs. This isn't a new idea for me, and I'm sure I've mentioned it before in previous posts, but it's always a good stand-by, particularly when choosing a theme like I mention above.
• Take my own photos and arrange them into a storyboard. Now we're talking! How about starting with say, three--beginning, middle, and end--but then consider expanding the "story" with as many as 28 (similar to the number of pages in a children's picture book).
• Cut out random shapes and "good parts" from failed paintings and drawings. Arrange them into a collage, and then fill out the empty spaces with new and improved drawings. No such thing as a "mistake," right?

So that should keep me busy for awhile. How about you? Do you have any favorite art prompts or methods you use to keep yourself inspired? Be sure to drop a line under "Comments" and let me know. Thanks for visiting!

Tip of the Day: Give your creativity a Valentine. Journal all the ways you love your work and how you can go deeper into that relationship  Knowing in advance why you want to stay with a creative project can often keep you motivated to complete it.

Holiday Greetings 2018, A Year in Review

'Tis the season for all good things: delicious treats, wonderful visits with friends and family, cozy sweaters, sparkling lights and sparkling wines . . . the list of holiday pleasures could go on and on. It's also a good time of year for reflection: how did the past year go" What worked, what didn't? Did we reach our goals?  

For me it was an interesting year, with new goals and new challenges appearing as unexpectedly as reindeer down the chimney. On the whole, though, I'd say everything turned out better than I could have ever imagined:

• I got an agent! Yes, I did. I'm happy and excited to announce that I have signed with Laura Strachan of the Strachan Literary Agency to represent my novel, The Abyssal Plain.
• Which led to a revised manuscript. It was hard work, but in the end I couldn't have been more grateful to Ms. Strachan for her discerning and very perceptive evaluation of The Abyssal Plain. For several weeks she worked tirelessly to show me where I needed to make the book stronger and more cohesive. She also encouraged me to come up with a much better book description than anything I'd ever written before.
• I took an illustration class. To celebrate my progress with The Abyssal Plain, I treated myself to a week-long illustration class with author/artist Neecy Twinem. For my class project I chose to work on my picture book, The White Pony, and I've made a ton of progress toward developing my ideas (and skills) further.
•  Sold my house. And quickly too! Five weeks on the market and we were done.
• Bought and renovated a mid-century downtown condo. I never knew I was capable of sanding so much paint off the walls without a single complaint, LOL! But I was dedicated to making our new little home the perfect base for this current stage of my life which is going to center far more around creativity rather than housework. Two and half months after moving in, the plan is working great.
• Finished my Taiwan art journal. This might not sound as dramatic as some of my other year's events, but this journal has been a labor of love for over a year, and I'm glad to close the covers at last. More the equivalent of a multi-page "mood board" than a typical journal, I can now use the pages as an excellent resource for subject matter, color palettes, and writing prompts.
• Read some amazing books. My favorite amongst these was Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch. I read it at nights after days spent renovating my condo, and I couldn't have made a better choice. The story-line took me far away from the world of paint chips and drywall. Highly recommended.
• NaNoWriMo. I didn't win, but at least I showed up! And Had a Wonderful Time!
• New Mexico SCBWI Enchantment Show. I'd never tackled anything remotely like this before, but somehow between book revision and condo renovation I organized a small art show for my local chapter of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. Eight illustrators and eight writers were paired together to create a collaborative piece of art and writing based on the theme of "Lost and Found." When all sixteen pieces of work were complete, everything was then put on display at the Erna Fergusson Library here in Albuquerque for the month of September. Part of the show included a reception where the authors read their stories aloud and the illustrations were digitally displayed on a wall-size screen. The whole event was just delightful, and I'm looking forward to working with the show again next year.
• Ink drawing (almost) every day in my Moleskine. Besides reading whenever I had some downtime, one of the things I tried to do every day was create at least one ink drawing in my Moleskine sketchbook. I learned a lot working with ink (no erasers allowed!) for a solid year, especially how to embrace and cultivate "happy accidents."
• Bought a sewing machine. When I couldn't find the bedroom curtains i wanted, I had to end up making them. Which was great: I bought a sewing machine, something I haven't owned in nearly ten years when I gave my old one away to a friend's mother. Back then I thought I was finished with stitching, bobbins, and seam rippers for good, but my new machine, a very simple and basic Singer, has me re-thinking all that. I may even start sewing a whole new summer wardrobe next spring. Project Runway, anyone?
• Discovered I want to make metal clay beads and pendants. This was a rather late discovery, only occurring about a week ago. But I was curious as to why my beading had slowed down to almost nothing during the second half of the year. That's when I realized my whole problem revolved around not having the beads and focal pieces I wanted. Like my curtains, I would have to make my own. After all, I have a kiln, I love to work with clay, and I love to design things to make with clay. There's a studio just a few blocks away from where I now live that will be offering a class on the entire process in April. How lucky is that? Roll on 2019!

Tip of the Day: The end of the year is the perfect time to start imagining and writing down goals and plans for 2019. What will you do to create the year you want? I'd love to hear what you come up with. Thanks for visiting--see you next year!

Happy Holidays: Stay Creative Every Day!

Image © creativeommonsstockphotos

Happy Holidays! How's your creative life going? If you're anything like me, you may be finding it a struggle to fit writing and/or drawing into a season that makes the day job extra-busy, fills up the social calendar with parties galore, and keeps you standing in line at the mall for what seems like eternity. 

Unfortunately, unless you decide to make your own holiday cards or gifts (a mistake I'll never try again, , ,) you might feel as if your muse has flown to Bermuda for the month, leaving you far behind. But don't give up: there's still plenty you can do to revive and restore flagging holiday creativity--cocoa and warm blankets included!

1.  Too tired to pick up a pencil? Read! Escapist; comfort; genre; literary; poetry; nonfiction--whatever attracts your attention, go for it. On the surface, reading might seem like a creative cop-out, but it's one of the most important activities anyone can do to top up the "idea bank" while taking a much-needed rest. It also can lay the foundation for future creative work once the holidays are over.
2. Play with Color. A sketchbook doesn't have to be used solely for sketches of actual objects or landscapes. Sometimes just arranging swatches of color into interesting designs and patterns can be enough to stimulate your imagination for more structured work. Something I love to do is paint page after page of watercolor washes using every color in my paint box. It's amazing how once the paint is dry you can see dozens of potential images within the wash to outline for later painting (or writing.) I also like to do this with cut-outs from magazines, concentrating on the colors rather than the subjects of the photos.
3. Go to the craft or discount store with a $20 bill just for you. Buy yourself some stocking stuffers that will please nobody but yourself: stickers, washi tape, crazy pencils: items you won't be able to resist playing with once you get home.
4. Go for a walk in a place you've never been before. This has been a little easier for me now that I've moved downtown, but seeing new settings, people, and tiny nooks and corners I've previously missed has given me fresh ideas for future work. I'm also making a list of places to revisit once the weather improves and I can sit outside to sketch or journal.
5. Journal your feelings and ideas solely with inspirational, or unusual, photos and illustrations. No writing, just visuals. The finished journal can provide you with a wealth of ideas, prompts, and story lines well into the New Year. It's also a lovely item to just sit with, turning the pages and meditating on the individual elements.
6. Watch old movies, particularly the ones you loved as a child. Write about why they're so special to you, and about the first time you watched them. How have your feelings and impressions changed with the passage of time in-between viewings?
7. Plan a "vision quest" nap. Not only is this a great way to catch up on sleep, but it gives you a positive intention and a plan for creativity once you wake up. My personal method is to take a page from my visual journal, study it for a few minutes, and then tell myself to dream about it. This really works! Make sure you have a pen and paper next to your bed or couch so you can start writing the minute you open your eyes. 

One of the reasons we love the holidays is that they're supposed to be a chance to re-charge our lives with good will, good food, good company, and an atmosphere of magical wonder. Creative breaks, even if they're only spent in 20-minute segments throughout the day can be the perfect opportunity to engage and fully enjoy the spirit of this miraculous season. 

Tip of the Day: During the holidays (or any time of the year, for that matter) indulge in a timed social media vacation. Social media is a wonderful tool for sharing and friendship, but it can also steal away time and energy that could be spent adding pages to your novel or improving your drawing skills. Whether it's for a few days or a few hours, give yourself the gift of creative time. Be brave--cut the cord!